7/15/2007

SUCK IT IN FOR GOD'S SAKE

If I monitored my cranial chatter like Al Qiada at the state department, I'd have to say we're at the orange alert level. My own amusing dialog, silent entertainment, unhindered by complete thought processing or political correctness has gone wild.

You're mother probably told you- "Don't say anything if you can't say something nice." Those are really good words to live by especially if you ever visit an extremely overpopulated day spa.

I gulped back lots of thoughts that could have easily become words. Not only words, but left unfiltered some really snap one-liners, and brilliant cutting-edge fashion critique. The scenes still burnt on my retinas came with subtitles, and dubbed with involuntary gasping sound effects.

An overpopulated day spa. I'm not sure you can fully picture it or appreciate it without contrast. Go to any spa website and you'll see the epitome of serenity. Sparkling glass-like water with the slightest rippling born from the perfectly pedicured toe of a lone goddess draped at water's edge with arched back and eyes closed. Every body part angled, curved, cut, bronzed and barely swathed in designer labeled strings and triangles. Not another soul in sight. The mere setting evokes the scent of plumeria and coco-butter. You picture yourself there, possessing that body, silently floating off in undisturbed quiet meditation.

Wrong- Try bulges, rolls, dimples, tattoos, and hairy parts, in every color imaginable. The pool- surface obliterated by a flotilla of deformed overstuffed sausages adrift on aqua-colored sponge mats. Over-stretched lycra, sarongs, thongs, and makeshift cover-ups blur the eye. The ear is distracted by squishing flip-flops, slapping flab, blasting hairdryers, and the cash register ringing up the exorbitant bill. Quaking, quivering, involuntary dermal-mobilitus (a word I've just created) would register a good 7.8 on the Richter scale, especially at ground zero- Massage Hut #2.

This spa is famous for it's mud. No- this isn't where you immerse yourself in a deep gleaming porcelain tub with fresh cucumber slices over your eyes and pristine turban to protect your hair. It's a scene out of Animal Planet were the Kalahari drought has reduced the only watering hole in all of Africa to a pit of clay smeared elephants and hippos playing slip and slide.

American's aren't used to nudity. Even though we are the world's greatest purveyors of sex and porn, we're still uncomfortable when faced with it in the flesh. Maybe it's because we're fast becoming the world's fattest nation. Which brings me to the locker room. They freak me out, especially when they're so overcrowded you can't open your locker without someone's bare ass pushed right in your face.

Now I'm not saying I didn't have several rolls and dimples of my own to add to the party. In fact a lot of my inner dialog was a stiff dose of self-loathing. Last year's $100 designer swimsuit was now obviously 2 sizes too small. My inner-thighs and inner-thoughts now match; grossly overindulged masses of insanity. But I guess like all the other (self talk here-) "poor slobs" I have to put it aside and just enjoy myself as is.

Don't get me wrong, I had a very nice time. My face is radiant after a piercingly refreshing facial. Ouch- those extractions hurt. My body feels like the marshmallow it looks like (pure white and disgustingly soft) after my 1 hour massage, (the best I ever had, thank you Dharma's twin.) I enjoyed a delicious lunch and dinner with two of my favorite people. And a fun day of "un"forgetable sights, sounds, and secret narrative.

7/12/2007

CATCHING UP

I've been absent. Too many things going on in my little pea brain to come up with something brilliant to bolg about so I've intentionally stayed away. In case you think my celebratory life pooped out on the 4th...I say "no, no, no," to coin a phrase from the new queen of soul, Amy Winehouse. The 4th did slow me down through the 5th but I was back in the saddle by the 6th.

This week's Celebration Calendar could be considered a bit ho-hum, kicked off with Video Game Day and ending with Bastille Day on Saturday. Not much in between except for a couple notable items; Dick Clark hosted his first American Bandstand broadcast July 9th 1956. So sad for you if you weren't born soon enough to catch it in it's prime. All the great ones made their debut on the little screen. Another little screen debut this week in 1960 was the Etch-a-Sketch. Hours of fun spent turning little knobs trying your darnedest to create a stick figure masterpiece or write your name. Our perfectionized culture has evolved- from knobs to joy sticks; TV screens to I-Pod windows; even Paris and storming the Bastille is late-breaking-news. Since I'm not the least bit superstitious I'm ignoring Friday the 13th.

Instead I've decided to celebrate all the others on Saturday- Bastille Day. "How and why" you ask? Bastille Day is the celebration of the common Frenchman's liberation from the Monarchy. No more King. In my case, the King (The World's Best Husband) as I call him, is going fishing for the weekend- (translation) freedom, liberation, vive la France! It's actually the 2nd weekend fishing trip in a row. I'm treating myself to the royal treatment at a day spa. Facial, 1 hour massage, mud baths, mineral pools, lunch, yep the whole 9 yards. Sure beats fishing! I'll take my I-Pod and listen to Amy, have a rum and Coke and doodle on my pocket sized Etch-a-Sketch by the pool. The little smile on my face? Always having something to celebrate.

7/03/2007

HAVE FUN ON THE FOURTH

Here's to having a blast on the 4th! We get to sleep-in in the middle of the week, stuff ourselves with burgers and dogs, hit the beach or the park, and top it all off with a good buzz and fireworks. Ah- just what our forefathers had in mind.

Here's some warnings and ideas to make your Independence Day celebration safe and sane or insane (whichever you choose.)




#1- Use a good sunblock

#2- Or a good cover-up

#3- Have a good selection of beer on ice

#4- Plan on a few party games
like this- (click here to view)

#5- Snuggle up with someone
you love and watch the sunset




7/01/2007

CELEBRATE CANADA DAY!

Eh?! Happy Canada Day to all our favorite Canucks! We couldn't let this day go by without bowing to our only true friends in this hemisphere. One of my favorite people- TWBH (translated "The Worlds Best Husband") was born and raised till the ripe old age of 2 in Edmonton Alberta. Even his Uncle was speaker of the house in Vancouver way back when. But who cares really?

Just think of all the special things Canada brings to the good old USA...hockey, maple syrup, mounties, their special type of bacon (which is really just ham.) Our northern neighbors may be considered stuffy and behind the times but think of the great ones who've made us laugh- Adam Sandler, Jim Carrie, Tom Green, Mike Myers, Dan Akroyd, Norm McDonald, Phil Hartman. Hey, wait a minute, there would be no Saturday Night Live without Canada! At least the good years anyway!!!

So how about the really brilliant actors like Keanu Reeves, Rick Moranis, Donald & Kieffer Sutherland, and last but not least William Shatner. There's more to these Canucks than meets the eye.

Anyway, we have one special Canadian who means the world to us (me and Melissavina) go check him out. Grab a perogie and have a HAPPY CANADA DAY!